I want you more than these girls want KFC
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
