I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
