Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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