i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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