Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i wish my penis had a tongue
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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