My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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