dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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