fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
