I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
