Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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