careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
