i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
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Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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