So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
