OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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