You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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