Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
