he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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