glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
