you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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