His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
