my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
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Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
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How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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