your parents love me but you hate me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
