Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Too much gin, very little bucket
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
