My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Houston, we have a blender
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm bleeding and have questions
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
