Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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