we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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