My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
