sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
