You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
