i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
