Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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