don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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