i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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