Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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