Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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