shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
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And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
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I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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