Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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