so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
