I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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