Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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