Your dad touched me again.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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