it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
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He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
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I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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