Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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