you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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