i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
