how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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