You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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