Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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