i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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