He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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