broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
