dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
