Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
