she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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