She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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