PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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