I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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