my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Randomize
