He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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