I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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