I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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