I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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