Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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