i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
