I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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